How to Set Boundaries with Yourself Using IFS Therapy for CPTSD
Struggling with self-sabotage and CPTSD? Learn how IFS therapy helps you set boundaries with yourself by working with—not against—your protective parts.
How behavior change works with IFS therapy for trauma
If you've ever tried to change a habit and felt like part of you was actively working against you, you're not imagining things. For people with complex PTSD, that internal resistance isn't a character flaw—it's a protective system doing exactly what it was designed to do. IFS therapy for CPTSD offers a framework for understanding that resistance, and more importantly, for working with it rather than fighting it.
Setting boundaries with yourself sounds like a simple self-help concept, but when you have CPTSD, it's anything but. This post breaks down how Internal Family Systems therapy reframes what "boundaries" even means in a trauma context—and gives you concrete starting points for doing this work.
How Does IFS Therapy for CPTSD Actually Work?
Before we can talk about setting boundaries with yourself, it helps to understand what IFS therapy for CPTSD is working with.
IFS is built around the concept of Self energy—your core sense of who you are, grounded in your values and your capacity for compassion. EMDR therapy operates from a similar premise: when you can get out of your own way, healing becomes possible. But with CPTSD, especially when it stems from childhood trauma, the concept of "Self" gets considerably more complicated.
Why Protector Parts Run the Show
In CPTSD, protector parts often become so deeply blended with your sense of identity that it's hard to see where they end and you begin. Protectors—particularly manager parts and the inner critic—have one job: keep you away from deep feelings and unmet emotional needs. They've been doing this job for years, possibly decades, and they're very good at it.
Here's the catch: protectors aren't thrilled about therapy. Therapy means vulnerability, and vulnerability is precisely what they were built to prevent. So they stay in control, often without you realizing it. If a therapist pushes too hard, that can activate what I think of as firefighter parts—or what schema therapy calls angry protectors—parts that escalate quickly to shut down the threat.
What Does It Mean to Set Boundaries with Yourself?
Most people think of boundaries as something you set with other people. But the same principle applies internally.
We're all of at least two minds when it comes to behavior change. You want to exercise more, scroll less, engage with your community—and yet some part of you reliably steers back toward the familiar. That's not weakness. That's a protector doing what protectors do.
Setting a boundary with yourself means creating just enough distance from the part pulling you toward old patterns that you can actually work with it. The moment you notice that pull—the voice that says "just stay on the couch tonight"—you've already made progress. You've identified a protector.
From there, the boundary isn't a wall. It's a negotiation. You approach that protective part with curiosity and compassion, explain what you're hoping to try, and ask it to step back—not disappear.
How to Actually Set Boundaries with Yourself Using IFS: Small Steps First
Here's where it gets practical. And the first thing worth saying is: this is genuinely hard to do alone.
Breaking out of protector mode—especially when your nervous system is already in a stress response—requires being able to notice what's happening while it's happening. That skill, called unblending, is something a qualified IFS therapist for CPTSD can help you develop. The stakes feel high in those moments, and having support matters.
That said, there are starting points you can practice outside of session.
Start with Self-Care as a Diagnostic Tool
Regular, modest acts of self-care aren't just good for you—they're your first real encounter with protector resistance. Start as small as possible: five minutes of mindfulness, a short walk, listening to something calming. Can't find five minutes you feel okay about? That resistance is data. You've just met a protector.
The goal here isn't perfect self-care. It's noticing the voice that pushes back, and starting to get curious about it.
Reassure Your Protectors
When you identify a part that's resisting, the IFS move isn't to override it. It's to communicate with it: we don't want you to go away. We just want to try something a little differently. We still need you.
That reframe matters enormously, especially with CPTSD. These parts developed for good reasons. They need to know they're not being fired.
Build a Safe/Calm Place
Establishing an internal safe or calm place—even five minutes of quiet check-in—gives you a home base. What am I feeling right now? How does my body feel, and is that shaping my mood? What's my mindset, and can I make a small adjustment to it?
This might seem modest. It isn't. When you want to go for that walk or attend that community event and you hit protector resistance, having a place you can return to for even a minute—and negotiate from—is the foundation of everything else.
Why IFS Boundary Work with CPTSD Takes Longer Than You Think
Change in this model is real, but it is reliably slower than you want it to be. Expect false starts. Expect the protector to win some rounds. That's not failure—that's the process.
What tends to happen, though, is that once you start accumulating small wins, the pace picks up noticeably. You begin to trust that negotiating with a protector actually works, and the protector begins to trust that you're not trying to blow up the whole system. Progress that once felt impossible starts to compound.
FAQ: IFS Therapy for CPTSD and Setting Internal Boundaries
Can I do IFS work on my own? You can practice IFS-informed awareness on your own, but working with a therapist trained in IFS for CPTSD is strongly recommended—especially at first. The unblending process is difficult to navigate without support, particularly when the nervous system is activated.
What's the difference between a manager part and a firefighter part? In IFS, manager parts work proactively to keep you away from difficult emotions—think perfectionism, over-controlling, inner criticism. Firefighter parts are reactive—they activate when distressing feelings break through, often through impulsive or avoidant behaviors.
How long does it take to see results with IFS therapy for CPTSD? There's no universal timeline, but CPTSD treatment with IFS is typically a longer-term process. Many clients begin noticing shifts in their relationship to protector parts within weeks; deeper structural change takes longer.
What if my protector parts refuse to cooperate? That's common, and it's information rather than a roadblock. A skilled IFS therapist will work with the resistance directly rather than pushing through it.
Next Steps
If you're recognizing yourself in what you've read here—if internal resistance to change has felt confusing or defeating—IFS therapy for CPTSD may be worth exploring seriously.
Author Bio
Richard Brouillette, LCSW is a trauma therapist in San Diego specializing in complex PTSD, IFS, and EMDR. He is the author of Your Coping Skills Aren't Working (New Harbinger, 2023) and has written for The New York Times and San Diego Union-Tribune.
